Kidnapping, Government Sex Toys and Poop..........

Guy’s Night out Kidnapping

 Edinburg, Texas: Rogelio Andaverde (34) wanted to hang out with his friends last Tuesday……….BUT, he was soooooo afraid to tell his wife this that he faked his own kidnapping.  Around 10:30pm, Andaverde’s friends entered his home wearing ski masks with guns and removed him “by force” from the home.  His wife was home at the time and she immediately contacted police.  The police scoured the neighborhood looking for the kidnappers and Andaverde. 

     Authorities began to question the validity of the kidnapping when NO leads surfaced and Andaverde RETURNED HOME LATER THE SAME NIGHT.  Upon his return, he told his wife that the kidnappers showed him mercy and simply let him go.  Andaverde did FINALLY confessed to orchestrating the kidnapping so that he could have a guy’s night out and that option was less frightening than telling his wife his intended plans.

     Police are currently looking for his faux-nappers for questioning and Andaverde has been charged with filing a false police report.

Cum into Your Furlough

     Are you a government employee that has been furloughed? Need something to do with your current abundance of free time? www.Vibrators.com wants to help you not have idle hands.  How? They are giving away (up to) 200 sex toys DAILY during the course of the shutdown.  The free 5-inch pink vibrator may be just what the doctor order to keep the furloughed calm and occupied. 

     The giveaway began in lukewarm fashion this past Friday…….ONLY 400 were dispensed over the weekend.   According to Tom Nardone, the president of PriveCo (the company that runs Vibrators.com), even if the shutdown lasts until December, the company will be able to keep up with the furlough demand.

"We buy them by the pallet," he said. "I think right now we have 17,000 of them on hand. So I was like, maybe we should give a free vibrator to federal employees. … And someone else said, 'that sounds like a good idea, they've got nothing to do.'

  When placing an order for the free ‘stress reliever’, the site does NOT force visitors to verify whether or not they are government employees.  When placing the order the site description “attests "Karma will get" any non-gov employees who exploit the offer.”

*Currently SOLD OUT for Tuesday.*

Pooptastic Fabric Softener

Yale University: Students at Saybrook College are on the lookout for a person (or persons) that have been adding human feces to the dryers in the laundry facility on campus.  Authorities state that they are searching for the culprit(s)………students have decided to stand guard at the facility in order to cease the dried feces laundry scandal.